It's Just a Game
The two most important things you can do for your child as a grappling parent are treat it like a fun game and let the coaches do the coaching. This page covers both.
It Really Is Just a Game
Section titled “It Really Is Just a Game”A parent once asked me how to make sure his kid treated grappling “like a martial art and not just two kids play-wrestling in the backyard.”
I told him it should be two kids play-wrestling in the backyard.
If you want your kid to make grappling a lifelong pursuit, treat it like a fun game. If you want your kid to get good at grappling, treat it like a fun game. If you want your kid to be happy, treat it like a fun game.
I love grappling. Not because I always win. I love it because the game itself is endlessly interesting. I love having silly goals, exploring positions I’m bad at, and learning from people who are more talented than me. If you want your child to get good at grappling, they need to love the game too, whether they win or they lose. Loving the game is the prerequisite for getting good. Everything else comes after.
This is not a minor philosophical point. It’s the whole thing.
For the research behind our play-based approach and why we teach the way we do, see How We Teach.
Don’t Coach From the Sidelines
Section titled “Don’t Coach From the Sidelines”If you are in the room while your kid is grappling, please don’t coach them. This is important enough to your child’s development, and to the development of every other child in the room, that we reserve the right to ask parents to leave if it becomes a pattern.
Before I explain why, I want to acknowledge something. I empathize with how hard it is to watch your kid play a game they’re not winning. Getting them good at grappling is my job and a high priority as a coach. I have spent thousands of hours watching students grapple, and I still struggle with the urge to step in and correct every mistake I see. When I’m asking you not to intervene, it’s the same ask I make of myself and other coaches every day.
There are two types of sideline coaching I typically see from parents: telling their kid how to win, and telling their kid to behave. Both do more harm than good.
Coaching them to win
Section titled “Coaching them to win”When you tell your kid “go for the triangle” or “get up” or “use your right arm,” two things happen. First, it increases the chance they stop loving the game. Sideline coaching frames every moment as winning or losing. They either do what you said (and they win) or they don’t (and they lose). The gym is for skill development, not performance. That kind of pressure leads to burnout.
Second, it prevents them from learning. Here’s why:
It’s a distraction. Grappling is an extremely complex, fast-changing game. Your child is trying to focus on dozens of variables at once: balance, grips, pressure, timing, their partner’s movements. When you call out instructions, you pull their attention out of the game and onto you. That costs them learning reps they can’t get back.
It changes the social dynamic. Kids are navigating complex social interactions with their training partners and coaches. Adding a parent’s voice to that dynamic, especially in front of peers, is not fair to your child or to the other kids in the room.
It denies them the chance to problem-solve. We want to create adaptive problem solvers, not kids who wait to be told what to do. They will go further if they learn through play and self-discovery than if they’re given solutions from the sideline.
It adds pressure that kills exploration. When kids feel pressure to win, they stick with what they already know. That’s great for competition but terrible for learning. Kids who feel free to experiment and try things that don’t work improve dramatically faster than kids who only care about winning.
It’s probably not great advice. Grappling is extraordinarily complex. Unless you’re an experienced grappler yourself, the coaching you’d offer is likely to conflict with what we’re teaching. Our coaches use specific language and feedback techniques designed for motor learning. The information that matters most in grappling, things like balance, weight distribution, and timing, is mostly felt, not seen. What looks right from the sideline often isn’t.
Telling them to behave
Section titled “Telling them to behave”The short version: if I’m not worried about their behavior, you probably shouldn’t be either.
There’s a baseline level of playing around that I actively encourage. Grappling is a game. If kids are too serious, they won’t have fun and they’ll burn out. I’m never serious in classes and I’m always playing around.
I have expectations for kids to be respectful to each other and to me, but zero expectations for them to be serious. We’re playing a game.
When kids aren’t paying attention during instructions, I’ll use language like “waiting on one” or “waiting on two” to give them a chance to refocus without being singled out. Sometimes kids will play around with something other than the assigned game. If both kids are having fun and learning to move, I’m usually fine with it. If their training partner is frustrated, I’ll give both kids space to communicate that before stepping in. If a pattern develops, I’ll have a direct but kind conversation with the child, or use light consequences.
When parents step in to manage behavior, it bypasses all of this. It prevents kids from developing the social skills that come from navigating these situations themselves.
If your child is behaving in a way that’s harmful to other kids, I will tell you. If you’re concerned about your child’s development in class, talk to a coach. Don’t try to manage it from the sideline.
Kids Do Better When Parents Aren’t Always There
Section titled “Kids Do Better When Parents Aren’t Always There”I’ve coached kids for years, and I’ve noticed that kids whose parents stay for every class tend to do worse over time.
I’m not entirely sure why. It might be the freedom to develop social skills without worrying about a parent’s reaction. It might be a correlation between parents who always watch and parents who take grappling too seriously. It might be something else entirely.
Take it with a grain of salt. But I’d recommend leaving your kid to be a kid with other kids at least most of the time.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Section titled “What This Looks Like in Practice”Concretely: drop your child off, go get a coffee, and come back when class is over. Let them have their experience. When you come back, ask about fun and effort, not outcomes. The questions you ask after class shape what your child thinks matters. See Your Role at the Gym for specifics on what to say and what to watch for.
For guidance on what to watch for when you do stay, how to handle seeing your child struggle, and what to say after class, see Your Role at the Gym.
If you have a concern about something that happened in class, the right move is to call the gym and ask to speak with the head coach. See Working With Us for how that works.